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| I don't even know where to start.
Things with my dad still suck. He isn't speaking to me at all, or well wasn't until I called my uncle a couple of days ago to see how my dad was doing. Then he sends me nasty texts telling me never to contact him or his family and that he doesn't give a fuck about me or my mom. I was hurt, then angry, and now I am just numb again. I don't want to deal with his shit anymore. I don't want to wonder if he's ever gonna be normal again. I really want things to go back to normal. I know that isn't an option, but I wish it were.
I have been trying to deal with some issues with my loans for school for a couple days now. I called the financial aid office, and when I finally talked to someone after about an hour of holding they told me it was an issue for the bursars office. So I called them was on hold for about 20 minutes and gave up because I had errands to run and other things to do. So today I call the bursars office, and fortunately I didn't have to hold for very long, but I talk Christina, and I am trying to explain my problem, which is that I have a credit on my account of 1841.06, they seemed to have mailed out a check to me in the amount of 4661.33 but didn't mail out the rest. I She was quite rude when telling me that because I paid for summer tuition on a credit card and the financial aid posted within 60 days of my summer tuition being paid that the 1841.06 was being paid to the credit card company. So I start to panic and I ask her is there any way for this not to happen that I need this money to live off of. She rudely tells me that she can't do anything about it and that I should talk to the person who paid the credit card payment and get the money from them. Um...we paid my tuition on a credit card because we don't have any cash. So basically I said, I am going to run short of money for the fall. She told me that she couldn't do anything about it and would transfer me to her supervisor. (I can't even begin to convey how rude this lady was). So she ends up transferring me to the wrong department and I have to call bursars back again and hold. this time I talked to Liz, who was an absolute sweetheart. She still had to transfer me to her supervisor because there is nothing she could do, but she was nice, and at least transferred me to the right person. So I left a message for Theresa and am waiting for her to call me back. I am kinda freaking out, I didn't have enough money in student loans to cover my expenses as it was. and now I am another 2000 short? I am taking 19 units this fall. To work while taking that many units, and get good grades is going to be a bitch. Not to mention finding a job that will work around my school schedule and allow me to go home for breaks. I am freaking out.
In lighter news, my birthday was fantastic. I was kinda of worried because none of my close friends could make it, but it really ended up being awesome. Zach took me out for my power hour with his friends. We played some pool and they got me plastered, it was a good time. On my actual birthday, Zach took me to benihanna and a bunch of friends came. Chris, Heather Matt and Kailee, Courtney, Zach P and of course Zach and I. It was a fantastic time. I couldn't thank Zach enough for planning such a wonderful birthday. Since then I have been enjoying 21-dom. I went to the store and bought a bottle of wine...they didn't even ID me...I was kinda depressed haha.
Alex's "welcome back from London" party was last night at bucca de beppo, I haven't been there in years, I forgot how good the food is and I had so much fun with everyone. We were so loud that one group moved, and another wouldn't sit in our section...but thats when you get when you combine 15+ college age students with good food, alcohol and people they haven't seen in a long time. Plus Bucca is always loud. If they wanted quiet they should have gone somewhere else.
I am heading back to Tucson on saturday. Its bittersweet. I am really looking forward to starting school and having something to focus on, as well as getting out of the drama that is my family life right now. It will be nice not to feel guilty for not going home every day. But, I will miss Zach as always, and more so since we've been practically living together. Although, him being out of the house will give him more opportunity to come visit, and hopefully I'll be able to come up as well.
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| Well I am sitting here in Zachs apartment, just kind of relaxing. Its been really nice to have a place to get away from everything. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through everything if I didn't. But anyway, in news...my father is no longer speaking to me. to make a long story short this is the last message I received from him.
"You just stay close to your mother and forget about me I am use to no love from you. Also you didn't listen which I am used to too...No more communication with me...Got it??? You're no better then your mother and take after her. No room in my life for cold unloving women. Forget abut me as I will not be there anymore. So happy graduation, which I paid for and good luck with your wedding and your life I will not be there!!"
Nice, eh? I don't know...part of me is hurt beyond words, but that part is hiding right now. I feel it sometimes when I talk about it, but its just a shadow of what I know is there. I know that at some point I am going to have to feel all the emotion to get over it but right now I am content with pretending that it doesn't exist. The rest of me just doesn't give a shit. If he is going to be like this I don't want him in my life anyway, I am perfectly content with having my mother walk me down the aisle. Actually, that is kind of a lie, but I have to keep telling myself that. I know I am not getting married any time soon, and hopefully when that time comes things will have worked themselves out and I will have a father again, but if not, I will either make that walk alone, or have my mother there. As for graduation and the rest of my life, If this is how its going to be I don't want him there. And that is the truth. I don't need the drama of having a crazy person in my life. As much as I love him, I don't need this. It is not healthy for me, and first and foremost I have to look after myself. Maybe that is selfish, but its the truth.
I don't know how to handle this situation. Part of me is looking forward to going down to tucson to escape a lot of this, but I know that it won't be far enough. I am still going to hear the drama over the phone, and through email and my fathers nasty text messages. I wish I could disappear for a while...just from my family. But, I guess I need to stop wishing for things that are impossible.
I have been having dreams about my parents. Some of them are flashbacks to memories I have of when I was little and things were happy. Some of them involve my parents getting back together, which isn't really what I want, but I suppose its a nice naive dream. And a lot of them are nightmares and involve my dad doing something crazy, like coming to the house and killing my mother. Or coming down to tucson and stalking me. Most of the time they are running dreams, you know the ones where you run and run and run but you never get anywhere? The one about my mother, I can see it happening and I am trying to save her but I can't get there. And the one about me, I am trying to run away from my dad but I can't run fast enough. I always wake up right before he catches me though. Its horrible, I really just want them to stop.
In lighter news, Zach is apparently planning something for my birthday. He won't tell me what he is planning though. It is driving me a little bit crazy. I keep asking him what he is planning and he either doesn't respond, changes the subject, or says "I can't tell you cause its not set in stone" . Well I want to do something for my birthday, if its not set in stone I would like to know about it so I can plan something. I think he might just be saying that to throw me off. *crosses fingers*.
Not sure what else to say, I think I am gonna go run to the store.
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| Talked to my dad again last night and this morning. Apparently they think he may have had a stroke, or a spinal injury, so he can't move his left leg. He's getting testing all day today and apparently might have surgery. When I called him last night I just wanted to see how he was doing, but he went off and started saying nasty things about my mom and the situation again. I asked him to please not say things like that because I am trying to have a relationship with both of them. He said, "I hate her, she ruined my dignity and my reputation, I begged her for a second chance and she wouldn't give it to me". At that point I confronted him about the emails and asked him if he thought that was the most mature ways to handle things. He said yes, I hate her. I let it go, told him I loved him and was thinking of him but I had to go. He called me again a few hours later and apologized to me for saying nasty things about my mother and that he was sorry I had seen the emails he had sent mom. He also said that for me, he wouldn't send her emails anymore. It old him that I appreciated it and asked if while he was in the hospital if he could talk to someone, because sometimes it helps. I said I was worried about him because that much anger can't be healthy. He said he was talking to the chaplain and the psychologist. I told him I was proud of him and that I hoped that it helped him. Then he said that he didn't want to talk to me until he got himself sorted out because it might "damage our relationship" hah...a little late for that, but I guess I appreciate the effort. He called me again this morning (so much for the no contact rule) and told me about his testing and his surgery and that after he was done there he was checking himself into a month long clinic for anxiety and depression. I asked him if the doctor had ordered it or if he was doing it himself. He said it was just him. I had been hoping it was doctor ordered because then he would have to stay. I know that he won't stay all 30 days if he can leave whenever he wants. I asked him to please stay the whole 30 days, and asked him to give me his word that he would. He promised, and I am hoping that the fear of disappointing me will keep him there, but I doubt it. I am having a hard time being home with my mom. I love her to death but this whole situation is stressing me out, she keeps asking me about my dad and I don't want to tell her anything cause it will just stress her out more. Plus I am not getting any sleep because I have been staying in her room in case she needs me. But she is up every hour getting up and walking around and taking a bath etc etc. So, I am up every hour helping her. She refuses to take her pain meds, so she complains about how much it hurts. Its just frustrating. I am hoping that I can stay with Zach tonight. She is doing better today, other then the pain so I think she'll be fine. Plus I am just a phone call away if she does need me. As for myself, I suppose I am hanging in there. Zach has been an absolute lifesaver through everything this summer. I really don't know how to thank him enough. I have been going to Dr. Dillard, our psycologist, and he has been helping a little bit. But he's not there all the time, and it always seems to be that I see him on a good day. Anyway, I should get back to reading...have to take an exam by midnight tonight. | | |
| So much has happened since the last post its not even funny... I haven't had time to update cause I have been so busy.The divorce is proceeding...I guess..The attorneys haven't been able to serve my father because there have been so many issues. First, they didn't know where he lived, then he didn't have an attorney, then he did, then he didn't again, and now he's back with the same attorney. Then, he went on vacation to god knows where, and now he's back in town but apparently in the hospital...but I am getting ahead of myself. The house is up for sale, finally. Dad was giving mom issues with that as well. We had a realtor but he didn't like her because she was an acquaintance of my mothers. Apparently he thought that they had some kickback deal so that mom could get more money from the sale of the house. Come on, really? So we got a new realtor, but he wouldn't meet with her to sign papers. After days of going back and forth with attorneys he finally agreed to meet with her, so the house is listed. A couple people have come through, and one of them liked it but we haven't heard anything more. I got a car and put it in my name so I don't have to deal with my fathers roller coaster emotions. Its a huge relief. But, as with everything days there were issues with that as well. First, I had to get my dad's signature because his name was on the lease car and they couldn't take it back without his approval. I was really worried he wasn't going to give it to me, but that went fairly smoothly. Just had one mildly awkward lunch, laden with insults and "as you can see I'm doing better" now's. Sigh. It ended up being the dealership that gave us the issues ( I know, I should have expected it), when we went in to purchase the car we told them that at the bank we could get a 5% interest rate and payments of 325 a month. We asked them if they could beat that, because if they could we would much rather finance through them. They told us they could so we were good to go. We proceeded with the signing of papers and then they had us go talk to the finance guy. Again he assured us that he could get us the payments and interest rate we needed. We walked out of there after signing all the contracts with a 5% interest rate and a 350 a month payment because we purchased a warranty of some sort. A week later their finance guy calls us and calls us that we needed to come back because they had to change the interest rate to 9%. Meanwhile, we had already signed all their contracts...we didn't understand how they could come back and change this on us. My mom called the manager and told him that if they wanted to change the deal that we wanted our old car back and we would purchase our new car somewhere else. The manager assured her that is must be some mistake and that he would work it out. While we were waiting for him to call back we called farmers, apparently you can get car loans through them. They gave us the 5% interest rate that the 325 a month payment, including the warranty. So we financed through them. If I never have to deal with a car dealership again it will be to soon. Zach moved out of his parents house and into an apartment of his own. It has been so nice being able to stay with him. First, its nice to see him all the time, second It gets me out of the drama for a little while. Zach even got me to watch the grudge after two years of begging. Mostly because I was able to stay nights with him...indefinitely haha. Though, I think I opened a can of worms with that one...now he wants to watch the second sone. *sigh*. We have a little more organizing left to do but for the most part he is all moved in. While we were unpacking we found the original 80's nintendo, and all his games that went with it. Lets just say that I am addicted to super mario 3. I have yet to beat the first level, but I am getting better. Dad keeps emailing my mom this nasty stuff. He's been nice to me for the most part and I have asked my mom to stop telling me about what he sends her, but I can't help but see her inbox when I sit down at her computer (Mine is at Zachs right now). Here's examples of the subjects of his emails: "These pics make you look like an old fat cow"; "Hey Asshole", "You look and act like your mother"; "I'm suing you"; "Hey Jew, your colors are showing", "I'm getting my dick sucked in an hour"...it goes on and on. Really he sounds like he's in third grade....I haven't even read the letters themselves but it makes me so angry. How can you treat someone like that, I understand they they are getting divorced and that they don't love each other anymore. But you can be mature about it. It makes me not want to have a relationship with my dad when I see how nasty he can be. If he can be that nasty to my mother, what is going to stop him from being that nasty to me someday if I make him angry enough? I had this terrible dream about my wedding last night (not that I am getting married anytime soon) Both my parents were there and they both had new bf/gf's, but my dad used my wedding as her personal advertisement of his relationship (PDA and all that). In the dream he ended up yelling obscenities at my mother across the aisle and I had to have security escort him out. It was terrible, but the way things ar going it could be a reality someday. I certainly hope that whenever that day (or any other event at which both my parents will be there) comes he will have composure and maturity. I don't know how to have a relationship with him and I don't know if I want to. Maybe if he went and got help I would be more inclined to make an effort, but he's just been so crazy lately that its hard. Mom went in for some minor surgery yesterday so I have been home taking care of her. She is in a lot of pain and loopy on pain meds, but other then that she's fine. Once she heals she will be good as new, but for now its really stressing me out. Its just one more thing on my list of things that have gone wrong with summer. On top of that, I got a text from my dad this morning saying "I am in the hospital, I had another heart episode, just wanted to let you know, this is for your eyes only". First of all I didn't even know if he was in town, secondly now I have two parents out of commission. I called Mayo hospital to see if he was there because I know his friend is a heart doctor there, I got a hold of him in emergency. He didn't tell me much just that he was being admitted. I asked him if he wanted me to come be with him and he said no. I don't know if hes just trying to be the hero and act like nothing's wrong or if he really didn't want me there; so I didn't go. My birthday is in a couple weeks. I don't know what I am doing yet, I think Zach is planning something for my power hour, but I would really like to have a dinner as well because a lot of my friends aren't 21 yet. That being said, I really don't have that many friends in town they're all on the other side of the country or in tucson. I want to have a dinner I am afraid that no one will show up. I know that Chelsea and her bf are coming up, so we will do something...I just don't know what yet. I guess I kinda wanted a big birthday bash, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. On top of that I would bet you money that my dad will forget my birthday. Though maybe my uncle will remind him, he always sends me a card. Maybe thats just stress speaking...hopefully my birthday will be great and my dad will remember. Though the way things have been going I'm not so sure. Well, now that I have given you a play by play of my entire month I am out of things to say. I'll write again soon. | | |
| So life blew up.
I seem to only write here when I am upset, I swear I am a happy person. Really.
So the past couple of days have sucked. My Mom and Dad are fighting, again. Its the third time in two months he's told her he's leaving her and that she needs to put the house up for sale. Well, she did it this time. My mom has her limits, and she hit it this time. I am pretty sure there is no going back, and I am ok with that. What happens between them isn't my problem, this has been a long time coming. What bothers me is how he is handling it. There is a mature rational way to deal with things and then there is my fathers way. There has been numerous things over the past year that he has done that just don't make sense, and he has been slowly alienating everyone that is close to him. Just the other day he called, yelled at, and cut contact with his friend of 30+ years. It was over a financial issue, I guess we have some money invested in his buisness that we wanted to pull out but Eddie didn't have the money to give us right away.
Before I continue, I would just like to say that for the majority of my life, my father has been a wonderful man. He was a good father and husband and worked hard to give us the life we have. I don't know what is broken inside him right now, but he has really gone off the deep end. He needs to get help but doesn't think he does so we can't do anything for him.
So I guess I should start at the beginning, I woke up this morning to them arguing...I don't really remember what was said, just that it wasn't good. There was no chance of me going back to sleep so I just got up and went on the computer. From down the hall I hear what sounds like doors slamming, and mom comes down to my end of the house. Apparently he had thrown a stack of papers at her, and hit her in the head with it, he walked out of the room and said "you pick it up" in a nasty voice and slammed the door to their bedroom. He eventually went back into the office and mom went to the bedroom to get ready. When she walked by the office on her way out, he says "So you're picking eddie over me, thats fine. You Jews can stick together. Oh and every time you talk to him I am going to destroy something of yours." After that he proceeded to go into my mothers closet, take her clothes and throw them on the floor. Real Mature. After doing this he leaves and goes wherever it is he goes during the day. The day goes on and I meet my mother and a friend for lunch to talk about getting an attorney, etc. It was there that we decided that it might be for the best if we stayed elsewhere for the night. We went home to pack and I found the fathers day cards I had given him on the floor in front of my room. I texted him and asked if he was coming home tonight, because mom and I needed to pack. This is how that conversation went: Me: Are you coming home tonight? Dad: "I have to finish packing, would you and your mother leave" I was so hurt, I couldn't think about anything but the cards,
Me: "I don't appreciate you throwing the fathers day cards on the floor. I am stil your daughter and I still love you, I am worried about you" I texted again saying that we would be leaving within the hour.
I get back "Good".
Me: "Why are you treating me like I did something wrong?"
Dad: "I'm not, I don't want to see your mother, you always side with your mother and you weren't nice to me last night. So I am going to find someone who will love me, tell your mother to agree to a divorce"
Me: "I am not mad at you for fighting with mom, I am worried about you for several other reasons, I don't want to go into it now, I don't think that either of us are in the right frame of mind. Can we go to lunch later this week?"
Dad: "Whatever"
Clearly he cares so much. But, I let it go, and continued packing and moving my mom. I talked to my boyfriend once we got everything settled where we are staying, It was mostly a good conversation and it was great to talk to him, he has a job interview next week (yay!) and he comes home on saturday (double yay!), but I didn't really get the emotional support I was looking for. I just wanted him to tell me he loved me and that he'd help me get through this. That he's there if I need to talk. I guess guys are different, they don't talk things out like girls do, but part of getting over something for me is talking about it. Anyway, a couple hours go by, and dad texts me again. He said "I have watched other daughters with their father...you are nothing like that to me...kinda late now...you don't touch me, kiss me...just like your mother...too bad." I didn't even honor that with a response, and went on with my evening. Again, a couple hour later I get another text " My father is having surgery tomorrow, I will be home all day between visits. You and your mother are not invited to visit or call" Because I have to be invited to my house now? the only reason I might not go home is because I am afraid of what he might do. Just a couple minutes after that I recieve another text. Up til this point I have been pretty composed, but this just broke me...I am so upset and hurt. I don't understand what I have done. He has been mean and nasty to my mother throughout this entire process, and has started treating me the same way. As I said before, what happens between them is their business, he's still my father and she's still my mother, they don't have to be together for that to be true. But apparently, since they're getting divorced, I am no longer a daughter to him. This is what he said "We are not a family anymore. Your car will be going back for something cheaper. Tell mom to change her credit cards to her maiden name. Please take your mothers maiden name too."
I am so angry and hurt by everything he has said and done today. I don't know why he is bringing me into this or what I have done that he seems to not want anything to do with me anymore. I don't care about my car, I don't care about them getting divorced, I do care that he doesn't seem to want to be my father anymore. I do care that he has made me unwelcome in my own home and I am living out of a suitcase. I do care that he needs help and wont get any.
As much as I want to, I don't know how to help my dad, but I do know how to help my mom. We are going to the attorney tomorrow, and I think that he or she will help clear up a lot of questions we have and will help us get things in order. At least that is what I am hoping.
I just don't get it. I want my father back, not this angry, spiteful, jerk.
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